Hey peeps!
Ok, so this is a scene i’ve been trying really hard to get right and i was just wondering what you guys thought of it.
Basically, what’s happening is Ryan’s parents (yes, she’s a girl haha), have just come back from a three month business trip and are trying to tell her some important news.
I’m just wondering what you guys think of Ryan in this scene. How does she come across to you? Bratty? Whiney? Selfish? Annoyed? Confused? How does she sound?
Thanks guys! Here’s the scene!
“You guys went swimming…with dolphins…on a business trip!” Whoa! Ok, so I’m now officially jealous of my parents. “What was it like?” Dad rocked backwards in his chair with laughter at the expression on my face. I’m sure it was something along the lines of the Cheshire Cat crossed with some kid hyped up on candy.
“Ryan, it was great. We took loads of photo’s for you. Oh, and we have presents for you of course.” My Dad sipped at his coffee and smiled at me warmly. My grin soon faded when Dad handed over some photo’s. I’ve always wanted to swim with dolphins. “Sorry, Kiddo. We’ll go on holiday sometime soon, ok? Right after we finish this contract, set up our business in Tokyo, get this house fixed up and buy you a new car.”
“What’s wrong with the house? And my car’s fine.” Again, my Dad laughed at me when I suddenly change from a disappointed face to a pouty kid. “My car’s got attitude, that’s all.” I lied about my car, not wanting them to know about how I was struggling to get it into a garage for a service. “It’s good as new.” Ha! What a joke!
“Sweetheart, this house just isn’t what we want anymore.” My Mum spoke up before my Dad had a chance and finished stirring her coffee. I drank my hot chocolate, taking in the sugar to wake me up, and looked over at Mum. “This house needs modernising. It’s not our style anymore.” A quick glance between my parents and my stomach dropped. Surely they don’t want to move. Again. “We were thinking of moving to somewhere a little bit bigger. Maybe a place where you can go to a Dance School.” Oh, hell no!
“Uh, thanks but no thanks. I dance because I want to, not because I want some stupid, stuck up snob telling me I need to improve on my ‘pivots’ and what not.” My Dad couldn’t help but laugh, but my Mum looked annoyed. “I dance for fun, Mum. Plus, I’ve got everything sorted out here. I don’t wanna move. I really like it here.” My voice was heavy with defeat. Was there even a point in trying? “Please?”
“Ryan, you don’t have to move if you don’t want to.” Wait. What?
“Craig, not now.” My Mum sighed and brushed her fingers against her hair, pushing it behind her ear. “We can talk about that some other time.”
“The sooner the better, Jean. She should know now.”
“Let her have her fun.”
“Guys, I can hear everything you’re saying and I’m freakin’ out a bit.” My hot chocolate slipped down my throat almost too easily as I peered at my parents over the mug with a frown. “Whatever it is, just tell me. I’m seventeen. I can take it.”
“Would you like the blunt version?” Dad finished off his coffee and pulled out a cigarette from a metal case, lighting it up and giving me more info than he thought. He smokes when he’s stressed. He’s stressed when there’s bad news. There’s bad news when he smokes. It’s a circle of info he’s not aware he’s giving.
“Blunt would be nice. No bull, no lies, no sugar coating. Just, please tell me what’s going on.”
“Ryan-”
“No.” I interrupted my Mum when she went to scold me for almost swearing and sighed straight after I interrupted her. “Just…just tell me.” Silence. My parents looked at each other for a few long seconds before Dad nodded slightly, puffing out smoke. Mum put her hands together, linking her fingers and looking straight at me.
“Ryan, your mother and I would love to take the opportunity to-” Dad stopped himself from talking and smiled at me, leaning forward.
“I said blunt.” My smile was so small, I doubt they even saw it. My skin suddenly became itchy at the tense atmosphere surrounding the three of us. This wasn’t going to be good news, was it?
“We’re moving to Japan, kiddo.” My jaw almost hit the table underneath me. “The flights are booked for two weeks.”
“…” I was frozen in place. “…what?”
So, what did you guys think? And please don’t just say it was good or bad. I would LOVE some critique! And don’t forget, how did Ryan come across?
I was trying to get her to sound disappointed and let down, but i don’t know if that’s how she came across or not.
Thank you!!!!
Oh and just one more thing to add in. They are currently living in Australia so as you can imagine, Tokyo is a fair way from where they are now.
And also, this isn’t the beginning of the story. It’s the start of Chapter 4
Thanks again =)
Ok, i totally see what you’re syaing about Ryan when she interupts her mum but i’m really struggling with that bit. I want Ryan to sound desperate for her parents to tell her what’s going on and i want her parents to be reluctant to tell her because Ryan has been through a lot lately and they know that Ryan doesn’t want to move.
How can i change it so she doesn’t sound like a complete b*tch and so her parents don’t sound like push overs??
Thank you =)
Tags: attitude, business trip, candy, cheshire cat, coffee, dad, dolphins, expression, glance, hot chocolate, important news, joke, laughter, new car, parents, sound thanks, stomach, sweetheart, swimming with dolphins, tokyo
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